Life Is a Complex Process.
Oftentimes in the course of living our lives, we discern patterns that we otherwise would not have noticed.
These can be overwhelming.
Fortunately, we are able to create platitudes to which we can refer in the future, so we can recognize these recurring patterns.
I guess we could call that “learning.” Prove me wrong.
I’m not entirely sure of the original source of many of these quips. I’ve had them in a personal archive for years. Seems to me that many could be attributed to comedian Stephen Wright.
In any event, enjoy. (If you so choose).
1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like, um, night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. 99.9 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7. I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
9. Did you ever wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges?
10. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
11. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
12. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
13. Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.
14. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
15. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
16. Depression is simply anger without enthusiasm.
17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
18. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
19. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
20. I intend to live forever — so far so good.
21. Borrow money from a pessimist — they don’t expect it back.
22. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
23. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
24. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
25. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
26. Support bacteria — they’re the only culture some people have.
27. When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane and going the wrong direction.
28. If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
29. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
30. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
31. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
32. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
33. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
34. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
35. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
36. Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
37. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
38. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
39. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
40. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
41. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
42. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
43. Two wrongs are just the beginning.
44. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
45. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
46. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
47. Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
48. Get a new car for your spouse — it’ll be a great trade!
49. Plan to be spontaneous — tomorrow.
50. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
51. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.
52. If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving isn’t for you.